August 12th was our angel's due date. It should have been a joy-filled day rather than a tear-soaked one. We are thankful for everyone who is remembering our daughter and this monumentally heartbreaking day along with us.
To my beautiful Lenny Lou,
If your daddy and I had our way, we’d be welcoming you into the world today. We’d be scared, excited, and, most importantly, whole. We’d be counting your fingers and toes and laughing at your sweet little infant cries. I would hold you tightly against my chest as the nurses handed you to me, and soak in your sweet baby smell as your daddy kissed your head. We would get to hear the words every parent longs for: "she's a healthy girl!"
Everything would be just as it should. We would look at you and know that our lives had just begun. We would get to keep you, and never have to let you go.
But, life can be horribly cruel, as we found out. We don't know what any of those normal feelings and experiences with pregnancy and birth are like. Bringing you to the world was full of trauma and despair as we knew your time was numbered. Now we’ve got to carry on, grieving your tiny life and a future we will never know.
We like to joke- your dad and I- about who you would have taken after. You may have grabbed my finger after birth, but we all know you would have grown up wrapped around your daddy. I wish I could have seen it.
I know it’s beautiful up there- but selfishly I wish you were down here. Life without you hasn’t been easy. It’s a whole lot of time spent wishing you were in it. It’s looking at a belly that doesn’t grow. It’s dreading every month that passes, rather than counting down happily to your arrival. It’s a nursery left unfinished. It’s a world left shattered. I know I’m supposed to be strong, but between you and I, I don’t know how to pick those pieces up most of the time. I don’t feel the slightest bit strong. But you, my baby, keep me going even when the days feel impossible. Thank you for that.
I love you, and I’m so incredibly proud to be your mom- I hope you already know. You were so longed for, and always will be. Those 66 minutes were the most amazing I have ever known. You’ll always be my little girl and I will dream of you as long as I live. Wherever you are, my love will always find you. And when we meet again, we can make up for all the lost time.
All my love,
Mama
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